When I injured my calf on Monday afternoon I had an odd sense of calmness pass over me. It may have even been relief in fact. Two days later I recognize that my injury was symbolic of my breaking point. Too much stress and something must give. For the past several weeks I have been in denial about the impact that major life changes are having one me.
Without delving too far into my personal life I will share with you a couple of the major things. My husband and I are moving to another state in three weeks. We are in the process of purchasing a house and all of the stress that comes with the investment. Mac will be changing jobs and going back to flying helicopters – I fear for his safety. I need to make sure that all of my clients have a plan for when I leave. I will be starting my professional life over from scratch. I may or may not have a job when I get there. I will be far from my family. Mac will likely deploy to Afghanistan during our stay in North Carolina and I will be alone….
Yet with all of this brewing beneath the surface I worry about whether or not I will be able to bump my squat weight as planned each week and that I can continue to train my clients without disruption until the last day in Virginia. In my mind, my body and it’s capabilities are totally in my control when other factors are not. I have refused to cancel appointments, take a break from intense training or make any appropriate changes that would be expected at a time like this. People think that I’m nuts or selfless but that it not the case. The truth is that I’m scared. I am scared to stop doing the two things that keep me centered – work and my own training. It is more selfish than selfless.
Training is my coping mechanism. It is my way to release stress and exercise control. It is my way to feel when my defense mechanisms leave me feeling numb. The satisfaction that I derive from training carries over into all aspects of my life. Monday afternoon my right calf decided to teach me a lesson that my brain was unwilling to accept. There are speed bumps in the road that you must slow down for. Maybe I need to settle for maintaining my strength right now instead of improving it. Maybe I need to cancel an appointment or two… Maybe being smart doesn’t mean that I am being weak.
In a couple of hours I will go out to the garage and train to the best of my abilities with my injury. I am afraid. I am not afraid of pain or further injury – I am afraid of failure. I fear not being able to do the one thing that is my steady when the rest of my life seems to be in chaos. Regardless of what happens today in the garage it will all be okay. Today I finally came to terms with the magnitude of the stress and it is an enormous relief.
– Gillian
