When I injured my calf on Monday afternoon I had an odd sense of calmness pass over me. It may have even been relief in fact. Two days later I recognize that my injury was symbolic of my breaking point. Too much stress and something must give. For the past several weeks I have been in denial about the impact that major life changes are having one me.

Without delving too far into my personal life I will share with you a couple of the major things. My husband and I are moving to another state in three weeks. We are in the process of purchasing a house and all of the stress that comes with the investment. Mac will be changing jobs and going back to flying helicopters – I fear for his safety. I need to make sure that all of my clients have a plan for when I leave. I will be starting my professional life over from scratch. I may or may not have a job when I get there. I will be far from my family. Mac will likely deploy to Afghanistan during our stay in North Carolina and I will be alone….

Yet with all of this brewing beneath the surface I worry about whether or not I will be able to bump my squat weight as planned each week and that I can continue to train my clients without disruption until the last day in Virginia. In my mind, my body and it’s capabilities are totally in my control when other factors are not. I have refused to cancel appointments, take a break from intense training or make any appropriate changes that would be expected at a time like this. People think that I’m nuts or selfless but that it not the case. The truth is that I’m scared. I am scared to stop doing the two things that keep me centered – work and my own training. It is more selfish than selfless.

Training is my coping mechanism. It is my way to release stress and exercise control. It is my way to feel when my defense mechanisms leave me feeling numb. The satisfaction that I derive from training carries over into all aspects of my life. Monday afternoon my right calf decided to teach me a lesson that my brain was unwilling to accept. There are speed bumps in the road that you must slow down for. Maybe I need to settle for maintaining my strength right now instead of improving it. Maybe I need to cancel an appointment or two… Maybe being smart doesn’t mean that I am being weak.

In a couple of hours I will go out to the garage and train to the best of my abilities with my injury. I am afraid. I am not afraid of pain or further injury – I am afraid of failure. I fear not being able to do the one thing that is my steady when the rest of my life seems to be in chaos. Regardless of what happens today in the garage it will all be okay. Today I finally came to terms with the magnitude of the stress and it is an enormous relief.

– Gillian

What you don’t see on yesterday’s training video is the injury that happened at the end. After our strength work was complete, Mac and I went outside to push the prowler. On the very first step – the push off in fact, there was a pop and debilitating pain in my right calf. I stopped, couldn’t stand on the leg and sat on the concrete.

I told Mac to continue as his turn was next but he recognized that something was really wrong. I knew that I would not be able to stand on it. Mac drove the car over to come get me and we made a quick trip to the house to get my ID then off to the local emergency room.

Almost 6 hours later I left the ER on crutches with a prescription for muscle relaxers, ibuprofen, crutches and an ace bandage. Long story short, I was never seen by an ortho and still need a referral from my Primary Care Physician to see one. Frustrating insurance stuff…..

The ER ruled out Achilles rupture and a blood clot through ultrasound. The best logical guess is a minor tear of the gastrocnemius. Based on what I have read online, I can expect a full recovery within 6 weeks.

Today was a scheduled off day from training. I am most sad that I will be unable to attend the Starting Strength seminar this weekend in Atlanta – I have been looking forward to it for months. A modified version of my training will resume tomorrow. Having been an athlete for over 30 years I have coped with and recovered from many injuries. I believe this has had a great contribution to my overall strength and mental toughness.

A short reflection – In 9th grade I broke my ankle and tore ligaments falling off the balance beam at gymnastics practice. I resumed conditioning while still on crutches. I did a lot of push-ups and pull-ups with the weight of my cast. I returned to the gym still in a walking cast and got back up on the beam. I remember being fearful. The weight of the cast was throwing off my balance. I hesitated with fear before executing a skill and my coach said, “Focus, put the fear aside or you will fall and break the other one.”

Getting back in the game asap is imperative to my sanity. I will focus on strengthening weaknesses, continuing to improve in areas that are unaffected and rehabbing the injury. Mac asked me yesterday how I could be so calm. I responded that injuries are part of life and an inherent risk in doing what I love most. I will use this as an opportunity to get even stronger.

Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself and I am mad at the world right now. I would be lying if I said that I was okay today. Luckily I have lots of help and people that care about me. My husband Mac has been amazing. Not a single complaint out of him last night in the ER.

Going to post videos again starting tomorrow…it is going to be tough for me to show weakness and put it out there for everyone to see.

I am also sad for Millie, my bulldog. She was in hardcore training – I was taking her out on conditioning runs daily. She is going to be stuck in the house for a little while and is currently snoring at my feet. Luckily I have recently brought on a wonderful apprentice, Diana Edgell, who will be assisting me with my human clients when necessary.

– Gillian